The Big D

It has been quite a while since I blogged. I was advised not to post anything while my divorce was starting and was in the throes of getting "ugly" so I stopped for a few months. Well, here I am today almost finished with my divorce, sitting in a house cluttered with moving boxes and photos of our life in the years gone by. My two boys sit nearby and I keep worrying about how they will do when we move from our house to an apartment down the road? Their dad is living with his girlfriend in another apartment a couple of towns away and has been coming and going today taking only a few items and his personal belongings. So, it is left mostly up to me to pack the house and decide what to donate, sell, or move with us. My mom and sister have been so wonderful to motivate me and help me disassemble the boys' rooms, pack china, and entertain 2 little boys while the remnants of my life for the past 21 years crumble away. Over 14 of those years were spent in this great home in West Jordan. I'm sad to leave the home I have lived in the longest, to leave my neighbors and ward, and to admit defeat......I couldn't pretend to be happy in my marriage anymore. Looking back I realize I had decided that I wasn't very important, that my ideals and dreams were no longer important, and I compromised the values and beliefs I held so dear. I held back and stooped down to meet his standard rather than asking him to rise up to mine because it was too hard for him to do so, even to put forth any effort to do so. Now, divorce isn't all one person's fault.....I know I have my issues and I made some really big mistakes that that contradicted everything I believe. I can't change what I did, it was utterly wrong, but it made me realize what was missing in my life, what I needed, and that I deserved to be happy with or without a man in my life. It is time to focus on being the best mom I can be to my boys as well as learn who I am destined to be. I have found strength through my trials and I have learned to ask for help when I need it. I have found sadness isn't a functional emotion for me and I prefer to be angry. I sure get a lot more accomplished when my blood is boiling. Though I have friends tell me I am amazing, it is difficult to believe because it doesn't feel amazing to go through the heartache of divorce. But, I guess it is amazing to get up everyday and function despite feeling sad. It is amazing to find the fun in little things, or to laugh with my boys, and to help their imaginations run wild. It is amazing to be a mother, to be on the right track again, to find solace in my work as a nurse, and to love others even though some days its easier not to. It is amazing to be loved by so many friends and family even though I make mistakes and I'm not perfect. There is so much beauty in our imperfections and mistakes because they help us learn how to be better people. I can see how my mistakes and trials are making me a better, more compassionate person. I see the light and the beginning of a new life for me and my boys. Their dad is still fully present in their lives and loves them dearly. I am thankful that he wants to be in their lives and I am thankful that he has a girlfriend who is so good to my boys. I have much to be thankful for. The stars are brightest when the night is at its darkest. Well, if you have read this far, thank you! , IF you are ever struggling with sadness and hopelessness, please reach out to me. You are never alone and you have more strength in you than you ever thought possible. I am always here to help you through a hard time because I understand. You are loved, you are cared for, and you are needed.